Some good holiday tips for you here.

Does your spouse know the difference between miles per hour and kilometres per hour? My wife (she doesn't drive abroad thank God, or on motorways, at rush hour or in the dark) is the Hyacinth Bucket of back seat drivers when in the passenger seat at home, and she constantly nags about my speeding habits. When in France or Spain she never blinks an eye these days when I notch it up to 105 to110 MPH because the speed limit sign says 110 (70MPH) - the poor lass never did catch up with kilometres and I coudn't be bothered to explain.

We have codged this page together in a light hearted manner to offer you some good holiday tips and advice which has been gleaned over a span of 40 years or so. To be honest, this page is aimed mainly at the intrepid self drive holidaymakers who venture  into Europe, some of whom are headed straight into a Euro disaster zone as soon as they disembark, poor sods. But seriously, we are here to help if at all possible, and if you think that I/we can do that then please drop us a mail in the first instance and leave a landline number if you need a call. I/we hope you have a laugh reading the page but underneath the humour it is meant to be serious. We have also penned a couple of other pages which may possibly come in useful such as the one about European driving laws, another which generously imparts our wisdom in the form of a "good holiday guide", and yet one more similar which is a "good camping guide".

Tips to help you enjoy your holiday - a good holiday needs to be well researched beforehand. Homework, research, homework, research = superb holiday. Let others take the risk and have a bad one.

I sincerely hope that you won't find this page condescending and all knowing  but there are people out there who don't enjoy their holidays as they should and this is something I would love to be able to help with. I am not your Agony Uncle but if some of the tips below help you not to drop head first into a range of pitfalls which have affected others then I will be happy. Let's get the legal bit out of the way: this is not based on any member(s) of my family, nor is it based on anyone I know, friend, neighbours, anyone at all, honest. If you have any more tips please mail them in to camp@campingmobilehomesholidays.co.uk 

Having thought and written so much about holidays whilst writing pages for this site it has amazed and stunned me that so many people with whom I have talked have had lousy holidays, "Hi mate, have a good one?" and you get a reply similar to this, "Orrible Art, I wouldn't go there again if you paid me." I don't know how they do it! We have never had a bad hol yet, but maybe there is something we do and spend time on that the people I have spoken to don't, and I think that is simple research, or doing homework on the holiday, the holiday company, the climate, time of year etc, how much does it cost to use credit cards there, and many more niggles which could lead to a bad holiday.

First of all, we simply cannot guard against illness or accidents, so make sure that you have read the smallprint of your holiday insurance certificate - you do have a comprehensive holiday insurance policy for all who are travelling I take it? If not you are taking one heck of a risk and deserve a serious smack.

Bad flights and flight delays are things that are out of our control and no amount of pre-holiday research will throw this up, but you can complain to the airline staff is someone is making a nuisance of him/herself, and usually this is a drunk or someone's very out of control brat. Complaining nicely gets better results than a confrontation with the drunk, the brat, it's parents or the airline staff. Remember that a bad flight can spoil your hols, that's just one of the reasons I won't fly these days.

Tips on getting to your destination - do you have tranquilisers handy?

If you are driving then you need to have all your driving documents handy in the front of the car rather than in your suitcase. Should they be in your suitcase when you're stopped then I can promise you this will only serve to P off the French/Spanish Police Officer even more while you scrabble round finding it. French and Spanish Police Officers were all born without fathers or any sense of humour whatsoever, and that is fact.

This page is worth looking at to give you the latest heads up about European driving laws, and also things which you will receive a hefty on the spot fine for if you aren't carrying it/them in the car, and that's without a speeding fine or two!

Do you carry a spare set of bulbs for your car?

Do your headlamps dip to the right?

Do you have a luminous breakdown triangle in the car?

Do yo have at least one luminous vest/jacket that can be put on by the driver before he/she gets out of the car?

Are you carrying your driving documents in the car?

If you have answered no to any or all of the above you will have to get them fixed before you can carry on. I would consider turning back and going home at this point because you plainly can't afford your holiday and I am getting bad vibes about it too.

A tip here, especially for high summer when the French Autoroutes are chock full of Brit drivers racing each other to the South; French police are now electronically timing drivers between Payages, and if your average speed exceeds their speed limit for the distance you have travelled on that road you will be fined. Believe it. Keep Euros handy because nearly everything has to be paid in cash. If you haven't got cash then you will be hauled off to the nearest hole in the wall to give your credit card an airing. This also applies in Spain. All these little things can spoil your holiday or at the very least put you in a foul enough mood to spoil your family's holiday. Worth a laugh in the pub when you get home I suppose providing you like popping out 90 Euros a time for every time you break the rules.

Don't break down puleese! But if you do then I hope you have comprehensive European breakdown insurance, and if not then you deserve another smack. Keep the insurance company 'phone number handy. Having a mechanical breakdown is bad enough here in the UK but at least you can speak the language, but can you speak French, Spanish, Italian or Greek? If you haven't got breakdown cover then you'd better enrol in a multi linguistics course PDQ.

Let us assume that you and your family are staying in a mobile home somewhere in the Vendee for instance. You got off the ferry at St Malo at 7.30 pm local time and you really, really would like to get to the campsite before 11 pm when the barrier comes down for the night. Otherwise you will have to carry all your luggage to your mobile home and that could be a way off - there are by laws in most parts of France which prohibit late night entry with cars into campsites by the way. The kids needed a pee break just before Rennes which has cost you 20 minutes because the youngest decided to take off and play with some other kids. Then sadly, you have missed the turn onto the Nantes Périphérique (ring road) so you have to drive through the city and get a little bit lost, and when you finally emerge from that you have 20 minutes to get from Nantes to St Jean de Monts (or somewhere round there), so you put your foot dowwn and miss the turn marked Challans also. It is at this point when you are collared by the law and your temper is getting frayed.

Worse is to come because you don't speak French, your wife doesn't speak French and your kids are still learning English (according to their teachers), but the little swine welcome the diversion because it is a break from the boring journey. The Lawman may well speak English but he won't on principal. Let the copper jabber on for a while, during which time you will see him writing on a pad. Do not interrupt said Lawman to enquire about his parentage, but wait patiently and he will, in the fullness of time, proffer you a slip of paper. The paper will have a number written on it somewhere near the bottom right hand side of the page. This is the amount in Euros which you must pay him there and then. Make a mental note to buy a doll and some pins.

In a bid to help French/British relations we have introduced a free language translator on this site which you could access from your mobile phone, and the one time I tried it from where you are now it only cost me £1.10 per min, and well worth the money it was too, not! The Lawman may not have seen one before so he will love it, don't be mean, just let him have a play for a while, after all it's only money!

Well, you have arrived at St Jean de Monts and have followed the directions faithfully but you have somehow ended up at a deserted beach which could be miles away from where you are supposed to be. Your wife says to ring them up but all you have is the 'phone number of the head office somewhere in England and they will be sound asleep by now.

Funny how time flies why you are busy isn't it, and it is now 30 minutes since you saw the beach for the first time. The kids wanted to get out and play but you wouldn't let them and now they are seriously creating when you arrive back at the same beach for the third time. The wife is a tad teed off too but she is biding her time and will certainly bring this up against you in the future, most probably in front of your friends/relations when you are bragging about your motoring skills. But dare you mention that she can't tell left from right, and you got lost because she told you to turn left when it should have been right - 3 times? Thought not.

Well you've had a hassle filled day and now that you have actually arrived at the site you would like to get outside of a bottle of wine, Scotch, or whatever to calm you down. Obviously you have missed the 11 pm deadline to allow you to drive into the camp, but you can walk in can't you? Yep, no problem there, and you can actually find the rep's caravan, but unfortunately the rep had given up on you and she went to bed ages ago. She is not in a good humour, and when you introduce your family her face is that of a bulldog licking P**s off a thistle but nevertheless she escorts you to your mobile home which is to be your holiday home for the next 2 weeks. Her good humour has not yet resurfaced and you have doubts that it ever will. You apologise again, profusely this time.

Sadly, the mobile home which you have been allotted is a good half mile from where you left your car. It is now 1 am and the weather has turned from just being dark to dark with a heavy drizzle...

to be continued soon