Good holiday guide: One man's guide to exactly what makes up a good holiday - depending on your age and how prissy you are, or the page could be entitled,"It shouldn't happen to me but it did and I never want to go on holiday again, ever." In fact I suppose you could just look at this page which gives good holiday tips - in a similarly light hearted vein as this. So really, I don't know why I'm writing this page because nobody will want to advertise on it even though there are 22,000,000 results in the SE's for the term good holiday guide, so let's just treat it as a tongue in the cheek laugh with some seriously good suggestions for making your holiday special.

We are not selling holidays on this page, renting property or advertising any holiday company. All we are trying to do in our pages is to help guide you through the pitfalls that befall most of us at some point when on or planning a holiday, or a thousand times worse, when we have actually got there. We already have pages for good holiday tips (linked above) and for Holiday Savings which we hope you both enjoy reading and find useful. Now I have looked through the search engines prior to writing this page and I was underwhelmed at the quality of sites offering what they term as a good holiday guide. Most of the sites were poorly written and some only exist sell you a magazine called the Good Holiday Guide for £12 per year (and that isn't a plug) - you're better off reading this page and the two linked above for free! I'll now wait for an irate mail to come through from them.

Nobody should need to read this page because in theory there should be no reason whatsoever to have a bad holiday, but sadly in practice that doesn't happen and there are those holidays which we just wish we hadn't taken, or hadn't taken with so and so, for whatever reason. Homework is the key to having a decent holiday, homework and research into where you want to go, what you want to see when you get there. You can't alter the weather after your arrival but nothing else should be left to chance.

Holidays with friends, relatives or neighbours: Yes, that can be a problem in the making I must say: going on hols with friends or relatives for the first time that is. We all think that it will be great fun when we reach our holiday destination in the South of France or wherever but we hadn't banked on all the luggage which the friends/relations have crammed into the car, and that's without their 'orrible brat! The journey to the port takes the thick end of 5 hours (well we don't all live South of London) and the brat has already started to be travel sick. It smells nasty but his father whose car we are in for a change, is either nasally challenged or so used to this phenomenon that he doesn't care any more or, like me, he hopes the ghastly kid will choke on its own vomit and make some more room in the car.

So you eventually arrive at your holiday resort to be greeted by the company rep who has piercings sprouting from every visible orifice as well as lips and ears, and one wonders idly what other appendages under that T shirt and shorts may have suffered the same indignity, not that it's my business in the least but I do admit to having a craving to tug one or two just to see the reaction. Anyway, it turns out that the rep is quite a nice kid but it isn't until the day before we are due to leave that I find out it is female. Certainly neither the voice or the figure gave that away! But there ya go, what does an oldie like me know about things like that? I'm still confused by unisex hairdressers never mind unisex holiday reps.

When a holiday starts off like that they rarely get better with time, believe me, so probably that should be high up in the good holiday guide: Don't go on holiday with so called friends or neighbours., especially in one car. You both find when you get there that you have previously undiscussed ideas about how you would like your holiday to be and where you would like to visit. By the time your fortnight's hols are over you are mortal enemies and don't speak to each other until your dying days. T'ain't worth it, believe me.

In our good holiday guide we think it helps to have a scapegoat, someone to blame in case something goes seriously awry, and to do that you need to appoint one person to be in charge of all the arrangements form the actual holiday booking to seeing that the currency is changed at the best rate, to ensuring that you all have valid passports and they are actually with you when you go and not left in a draw at home, someone to arrange the insurance in case you just happen to get beri beri from a bad bottle of beer in Spain or wherever. Your scapegoat person will undoubtedly make a list of things to take like cameras and sun cream and things which are Verboten like big pullies and long trousers. There are types of people who would jump at the chance of acting out their control fantasies and all you have to do is suss out which of your group is up for the job, but when you have your unwitting scapegoat don't be at all surprised if he or she dons a uniform and cap at some stage - these people are all the same! But see how they bluster and do a Tony Blair when something does go wrong and it isn't their fault, honest!

Now you will already have noticed that we have pages for good holiday tips and also for holiday savings becasue this year, 2009, looks like being a stinker and we all need all the help we can get to have a great holiday and also to make it affordable. The problem that I have as the editor is to make this page significantly different to the others and I can tell you that it is tres difficult indeed, so I have incorporated some bits and pieces which are in neither of the others, but please forgive me for repeating this next one because if you get it wrong it can cost you a small fortune.

Mobile phones. They are very useful and most people have one, including myself but I have no idea where it is or what the number is. You are not like that and neither is your wife/husband, and for sure if you have children they were no doubt born with one glued to their heads. My point is that when used abroad they can be mega expensive, something like £1 or £1.20 per min for your kids to chat to some other kids a thousand or so miles away. There are ways around this of course and the cheapest is to make your kid's mobile(s) disappear the day before the hols - that will save you a small fortune, believe me. Other than that if you insist on playing with a straight bat you (or your offspring) can contact the phone company and see if you are eligible for any special offers they may have. Another saving you could make is to get a Sim card for whichever country you are visiting as I am led to understand that they are cheaper to use than Brit cards - but isn't everything?

Have a super holiday.