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Welcome to our Good Camping Guide and camping checklist page, known to others as Art Johnstone's rough guide to camping, something which we felt was a "must have page" for a site such as ours. Hopefully you will find it humerous in places and hopefully you will find some of it useful and informative. Firstly though, let me quickly explain why I am qualified to even think of penning a good camping guide. Well, I am now nearly 62 (though a young lady recently swore I only looked 45, bless her) and in a former life I have camped the world over, or the bad bits of it anyway, as a vital part of what was then my career working for HM. In doing all this for so many years it is inevitanble that you pick up some valuable tips from others in the same dubious line of work, and if you have half a brain then you put them to a beneficial use, and so we start with our guide. Please note that your camping checklist is at the bottom of the page.
It is now early January 2009 and we have already added pages for Good holiday tips which is doing well in the search engines: we have a new page entitled Good holiday guide, and a third called Holiday savings which was written about the same time and intended to help you make savings on a holiday in this year of near recession. All of these are supposed to be helpful to you and all overlap in some minor ways but are otherwise entirely separate.
First of all we must determine the difference between what some people call camping and what I call camping. Look in Google for camping holidays and sure enough you will find that most of the results are for holidays in mobile homes. All very nice and snug I'm sure, but camping it ain't. Camping is freedom, camping is happiness, camping is peaceful and relaxing but it can also be the holiday from Hell if you don't get things right, so the first rule is do your homework and get your preparation spot on. If you don't attend to these two basic formalities you may as well forget the South of France and pitch a tent on your back lawn. Camping is common sense. If you don't possess common sense then don't go camping and don't inflict yourself on some other poor sods who want a nice and relaxing time because your sort are a jinx!
When you flick through a few camping sites you'll no doubt come across some rubbish like this, "If you enjoy the outdoors there is nothing better than escaping the hustle and bustle of everyday life and waking up to peace and tranquillity. Take a break from the television and live amongst wildlife in its natural habitat." Not really rubbish I suppose, but if its issing down with rain and your tent isn't waterproof, or you have erected the camp late at night and in the morning the first thing you see is a large dollop of cow poo it is at that moment when you recall those words and you may begin to think differently about the whole camping thing after all.
Buying your tent: People do things differently but I would suggest a visit to your local outdoors shop first and ask them lots of searching questions like "how big is it when erect" for starters - that could elicit all sorts of info I reckon, and you will be able to see how big it is when packed while you're in the shop anyway. Ask how long it takes to get said erection, ask about waterproofing - is the thing waterproof (it should be these days) or do you have to buy a spray can to do it yourself. But most importantly, look at different types of tent and choose the right one for you, then when you're happy with it start and haggle the price down like I do on anything over a tenner.
Before you go on holiday with your new tent it is a good idea to practice erecting the beast somewhere quiet where you won't be seen. Believe me when I say that there are few things more embarrassing than making a complete fool of yourself putting a tent up, to the endless amusement of your soon to be neighbours who won't take pity on you by helping until they have a camera full of pics to share round the Net when they get home. Make sure and certain that you don't make holes in your groundsheet - this should be built in to the tent by the way- because if it has holes in then you will get damp in the tent and it follows that some nasties will enter your personal space through the same hole(s) whilst you are asleep, and depending where you are in the world they could be dangerous. Beware. Also, if you must smoke then the same applies to your fag ends because they will go through a groundsheet faster than a dose of pox in a knocking shop. Get an ashtray, or better still, smoke outside if you have to do it at all.
You are responsible for your own health and safety when you're camping but this guide wouldn't be complete if we didn't warn you of one little problem which is almost invisible to the naked eye. Nice and accommodating as Brit farmers are (and maybe elsewhere for that matter) but if you're camping on the cheap in a farm field make sure to ask farmer XXX what kind of animals he/she has had in the field recently, though if you have any grey matter at all you will be able to tell from the different types of poo that are lying about, so this tip is for you townies who can't tell sheep sh1t from your elbows. If the farmer has kept sheep in the field in the recent past then do not camp there on pain of death! You will almost certainly get scabies from the sheep tics if you do and that can be extremely irritating, nasty and long lasting if you don't get the correct treatment quite quickly, though luckily it is not life threatening. These tics can and do burrow their little selves into places where you don't want things to burrow, and it matters not how many layers of clothes you have on, they can get into your skin and you won't know until its too late.
The next most important thing is your sleeping bag. When you are buying sleeping bags it is a good idea to ask the advice of someone who actually camps as well as sells the things. If you are camping in the South of France you won't want the same degree of insulation in a sleeping bag that you need for Scotland in the Autumn, so make sure you get the best bags to suit you and the climate and if you are female then look at the washing instructions cos we blokes don't do that sort of thing.
There are masses of things you can buy for camping and after cooking implements one of the most useful is a lantern, but having said that, keep the tent flaps closed when the lantern is on or you will get even more nasties and this time they fly as well. You can get mozzies in the UK as well as abroad you know and they all make for an unpleasant time and lots of scratching.
Let's take a look at things when you get to wherever you are going, in particular cooking and camp fires. I think you will find that most camping sites frown on camp fires as in Boy Scouts and dib dib dib. They cause problems and people get burned when drunk etc. Besides that, I have found that cooking on an open fire requires skills as yet unlearned by most campers. So stick to whatever the campsite rules are and in most cases that will be gas BBQ's which you may well be accustomed to when you get drunk on Sunday lunchtimes. There are camping guide sites which tell you how to make a fire but if you are such a pillock as to need advice of that sort you really shouldn't be out by yourself anyway, so no need for the fire then. QED.
There isn't much more to add to all this really without seeming to be condescending, and seriously I have found that commonsense is all when you are camping out in the wild which is why you do need a decent first aid kit just for in case, and a big sharp knife too. Sod what the cops say, I never go camping in the wild without a big sharp knife. They are useful and you can skin rabbits with them.
That brings us neatly to the last subject in our good camping guide which is is camping etiquette. There is a certain etiquette which needs to be maintained, especially on camp sites, as opposed to being in the wild. Again, all this is basic commonsense such as looking after your rubbish sensibly (difficult for some when there are 3 generations in the same family who have not been trained to deal responsibly with litter). Noise is probably the biggest nuisance to other campers. Most camp sites warn against excess noise and noise after a certain time at night, but there is always one who believes that their ghetto blaster should be played at full volume. Basically, the way to deal with people like this is to give them a good smack but that isn't at all PC these days so you need to go through the proper channels and drag in the campsite manager or one of his/her heavies to do it for you.
Lastly, there is something you can do is you are totally issed off by a particular bunch of noisy campers. They are nearly always heavy drinkers who sleep in late so this little trick works wonders. Take some wild bird food with you and when they have turned in at last (remember that they will have to turn in before you have any chance of getting to sleep) spread a liberal quantity of it outside the tent flaps, around the sides and at the back. If their tent has a roof or any flat area then shower that with as much bird food as possible too. Then let the very early pigeons do the rest! If they are townies they won't dare to exit their tent until the birds have fed and flown off, and they won't do that until the last grain has been gobbled up. And pigeon poo on the tent is quite unpleasant too.
Have a great time camping.
AJ (Editor)
Equipment Checklist
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